AUTOETHNOGRAPHY
Efface "I"
Pop Quiz #3
Priscilla Laguna
Brainstorm:
1. Who is my audience?
My audience includes the students of ENG 2105 and anyone else that will visit my e-portfolio homepage to read and get want to know what kind of person I am.
2. What is my purpose?
My purpose is to introduce and identify myself to the audience through the eyes of a third object or animal by effacing "I". It also includes a self-reflection of what group, organization, or entity has helped shape the person I am today and that has influenced my future goals.
3. What is my premise.
My premise is that by becoming a Jehovah's Witness, I have developed character traits of sincerity, resilience, and a sense of awe. Sincerity can be seen in how I express my conviction with others about the advantages of living by Bible principles. My resilience shows when I am faced with a change in circumstances that, at first, looks feels like the end of the world, but I make the best of it. Finally, my sense of awe is portrayed in my fascination for learning both in school and in life in general. I excitedly want to share with others what I have learned.
4. What is my chosen quotation?
My chosen Derek Bok quotation is, “[We] should seek to educate and persuade… recognizing that only persuasion is likely to produce a lasting, beneficial effect.” My favorite quote is a biblical passage, Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens his friend.”
Rough Draft:
Priscilla Laguna
ENG 2105
Dr. Gill
Homepage Autoethnography: Reflections of Self and Reality
4 October 2021
“The Best Writing is Re-Writing”: 1 Draft, 0 Tutorials, 0 Teacher Conference
(Provocative Title) Wheelie, the Public-Witnessing Cart
(Unity/Topic Sentence) Psst… come on over and do not be shy! Wheelie humbly stands before you today to tell you about Priscilla’s sense of awe and her sincere and resilient personality. (Adequate Development/Body) As a public-witnessing cart, my main job is to attract the attention of passersby with my colorful posterboards. Oh, if you could only go to the places that I go and see the things that I see with my trusty companion, Priscilla. From the doughnut shop around the corner, the laundromat across the street, and to the park, you can see Priscilla and I ready to greet and converse with anyone interested in learning about the Bible. Priscilla loves expressing to others how the Bible has shaped her life. As she speaks, her face illuminates with genuine pride and joy in what she believes in as a sincere expression from her heart. Sometimes people have yelled at us or simply walked away. Has that stopped Priscilla from moving forward? Not in the least! She often reminds me of the abundant palm trees that we have in Southern California. There are times when the Santa Ana winds come gushing full throttle while the palm trees bend down almost to the ground. Once the merciless winds subside, the palm trees go back to their upright position. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Priscilla cannot take me out as she used to. I confess that the disappointment of sitting in the storage shed, accumulating dust brings my spirits down a bit. Nevertheless, part of Priscilla’s resilience consists of adapting to changing circumstances. Now she writes letters to her neighbors in which she shares a biblical text that offers comfort to the difficulties that many face due to the pandemic. As a university student, Priscilla takes a diverse selection of classes from math and science to written reasoning and history. She views the information presented in each course as more than just facts and figures to memorize for the exam. Priscilla’s sense of awe allows her to take even the most minute details that she learned from her classes and share them with her friends and those around her. (Coherence/Conclusion) I, Wheelie the public-witnessing cart, am truly grateful to have Priscilla in my life and to share wonderful memories together that reflect her sense of awe, resilience, and sincerity.
​
(Continuity/Smooth Transition) Thank you Wheelie for your kind words. I miss you so much! The qualities that Wheelie described — a sense of awe, resilience, and sincerity— are attributes that result from forming part of a global organization that has molded me into the person I am today. On November 7th, 2015, I was baptized as a Jehovah’s Witness. From that moment on, I promised myself and to God that I would devote the rest of my life to following his biblical principles. The Bible is like a mirror that helps me to self-examine myself and meditate on how I can improve as a person. Additionally, the Bible trains my conscience to serve like a compass, guiding me in making the easiest decisions to the hardest, life-changing decisions. Being a Jehovah’s Witness has given me an identity and a worldwide family that truly cares and loves each other. A few months ago, my grandmother passed away. It was the end of the semester and finals were right around the corner; I could not find the strength within me to stay strong until the end. To my surprise, that very day when my family received the news of my grandmother’s death, friends came to drop off flowers and sympathy cards. I was in total shock. To belong in an organization where people show each other self-sacrificing love is one of a kind. The funeral sermon focused on God’s promise of the resurrection. What really touched my heart was the biblical account of Lazarus’ death. When Jesus received news that his friend, Lazarus, died, the Bible says that he cried! I thought to myself, “If Jesus, the son of God, wept when Lazarus died, then God also feels my anguish for the loss of my grandmother. Therefore, not only does he have the power to bring her back to life but also the desire.” My life goals include going to the School of Kingdom Evangelizers and gain training to serve in another country talking to people about the Bible and going to the World Headquarters of Jehovah’s Witnesses in Warwick, New York to help maintain the water supply. These goals were influenced by watching and listening to the wonderful experiences of others who have participated in similar activities. To conclude, one of my favorite passages from the Bible is Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens his friend.” This leads to my goal for ENG 2105. I hope to learn, not only from Dr. Gill, but also from my fellow peers on how to become an excellent rhetor, because, in the words of Derek Bok’s analysis on freedom of expression, “[We] should seek to educate and persuade… recognizing that only persuasion is likely to produce a lasting, beneficial effect.” Yes, I shall strive to sharpen my skills of persuasion by applying the principles presented in this course.
​
Suggested Edits and Editing Log:
​
1. Principle: Coh.: Coherence. Addition of transition words to help the piece of writing flow smoothly from one idea to the next.
Error: There was no clear signal word(s) to indicate that my palm tree metaphor was referring to my quality of resilience.
Original: She often reminds me of the abundant palm trees that we have in Southern California.
Revision: Her resilience often reminds me of the abundant palm trees that we have in Southern California.
2. Principle: W: Word choice.
Error: The words I choice made the sentence sound like I had created the organization rather than saying I joined the organization. In other words, I am a member not a founder of the organization.
Original: The qualities that Wheelie described — a sense of awe, resilience, and sincerity— are attributes that result from forming part of a global organization that has molded me into the person I am today.
Revision: The qualities that Wheelie described — a sense of awe, resilience, and sincerity— result from belonging to a global organization that has molded me into the person I am today.
​
3. Principle: Citation: Proper in-text citation after a quote or paraphrase in MLA format with name of author(s) and page number.
Error: For my quote taken from Derek Bok’s essay, I did not mention the title or the page number from which it was taken from.
Original: I hope to learn, not only from Dr. Gill, but also from my fellow peers on how to become an excellent rhetor, because, in the words of Derek Bok’s analysis on freedom of expression, “[We] should seek to educate and persuade… recognizing that only persuasion is likely to produce a lasting, beneficial effect.”
Revision: The reason is expressed by Derek Bok’s analysis, Protecting Freedom of Expression at Harvard, “[We] should seek to educate and persuade… recognizing that only persuasion is likely to produce a lasting, beneficial effect” (3).
4. Principle: P: Punctuation error. The use of a comma between a main clause and a subordinate clause.
Error: My sentence was a run-on with no commas for pause. My WC tutor suggested that I add a comma, but I decided to separate the sentence into 2 sentences.
Original: My life goals include going to the School of Kingdom Evangelizers and gain training to serve in another country talking to people about the Bible and going to the World Headquarters of Jehovah’s Witnesses in Warwick, New York to help maintain the water supply.
Revision: My life goals include going to the School of Kingdom Evangelizers and gain training to serve in another country, talking to people about the Bible. Another goal is to go to the World Headquarters of Jehovah’s Witnesses in Warwick, New York and apply my knowledge of chemistry to help maintain the water supply.
​
5. Principle: Efface “I”: Avoid the use of personal pronouns.
Error: Although I did not use the word I in my paper, I did use a variety of other personal pronouns such as “her, his, and she”. I did not have a full understanding of what it means to efface “I”.
Original: As she speaks, her face illuminates with genuine pride and joy in what she believes in as a sincere expression from her heart.
Revision: The words that Priscilla utters reflect sincerity from the heart and illuminate Priscilla’s face with genuine pride and joy.
​
6. Principle: //: Faulty parallel structure. Give a list of elements by using the same grammatical structure.
Error: The tutor suggested that since I began each item in the list with “the…”, the last item in the list should follow suit instead of “to the park”.
Original: From the doughnut shop around the corner, the laundromat across the street, and to the park, you can see Priscilla and yours truly ready to greet and converse with anyone interested in learning about the Bible.
Revision: From the doughnut shop around the corner, the laundromat across the street, and the park, everyone can see Priscilla and Wheelie eager to greet and converse with anyone interested in learning about the Bible.
7. Principle: awk: Awkward sentence structure that makes the idea unclear or very choppy to read.
Error: The tutor pointed out that, instead of talking about Priscilla’s sincerity, the way I had worded the sentence made it sound like the words themselves, as a way of personifying, were sincere. The sentence was not smooth.
Original: The words that Priscilla utters reflect sincerity from the heart and illuminate Priscilla’s face with genuine pride and joy.
Revision: People who stop to listen can detect Priscilla’s sincerity and joy in sharing the Bible’s message.
8. Principle: W: Word choice. The words are not used correctly in context and distort the writer’s message.
Error: I used the verb “gush” to describe the wind, but my tutor pointed out that this word is usually used to describe the flow of water not air.
Original: There are times when the Santa Ana winds come gushing full throttle while the palm trees bend down almost to the ground.
Revision: Every so often, the Santa Ana winds blow gusts of air at full throttle while the palm trees bend down almost to the ground.
​
9. Principle: ref: Reference unclear. This pronoun should have a clear antecedent.
Error: I used the word “this”, but it was unclear that I was referring to the Bible. The tutor suggested that I write it out clearly so that there is no confusion.
Original: By this basis, I make a self-examination and meditate on how to improve as a person.
Revision: The Bible acts like a mirror, reflecting my flaws and limitations; therefore, I read the Bible to conduct a self-examination and meditate on how to improve as a person.
​
​
Best Rewrite:
“The Best Writing is Re-Writing”: 4 Drafts, 3 WC Tutorials (Jason Leclair, Conor Entus, and Alexis Torres), 1 Peer Mentor (Robert), 1 Teacher Conference
(Provocative Title) Wheelie, the Public-Witnessing Cart
​
(Unity/Topic Sentence) Psst… come on over and do not be shy! Wheelie humbly stands before the audience to speak about Priscilla’s sense of awe, sincerity, and resilience. (Adequate Development/Body) Priscilla works together with Wheelie, the public-witnessing cart, to accomplish the main goal of attracting the attention of passersby with colorful posterboards. Oh, the places that Priscilla goes and the things that Priscilla observes with Wheelie, Priscilla’s trusty companion! From the doughnut shop around the corner, the laundromat across the street, and the park, everyone can see Priscilla and Wheelie eager to greet and converse with anyone interested in learning about the Bible. Priscilla loves explaining to others the Bible’s ability to shape lives. People who stop to listen can detect Priscilla’s sincerity and joy in sharing the Bible’s message. Sometimes people have yelled at Priscilla and Wheelie or simply walked away. Has that stopped Priscilla from moving forward? Not in the least! Priscilla’s resilience often reminds Wheelie of the abundant palm trees found in Southern California. Every so often, the Santa Ana winds blow gusts of air at full throttle while the palm trees bend down almost to the ground. Once the merciless winds subside, the palm trees go back to their upright position. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Priscilla cannot take Wheelie out as before. The disappointment of sitting in the storage shed while accumulating dust brings Wheelie’s spirits down. Priscilla shares the same frustration; nevertheless, part of Priscilla’s resilience consists of adapting to changing circumstances. For example, written letters that share a biblical text offer comfort to people’s suffering during the pandemic. As a university student, Priscilla takes a diverse selection of classes from math and science to written reasoning and history. The information presented in each course consists of more than just facts and figures to memorize for the exam. Priscilla’s sense of awe constitutes the driving force to take even the most minute details learned from each class and share them with friends and family. (Coherence/Conclusion) Wheelie, the public-witnessing cart, is truly grateful to have Priscilla as a counterpart and to share wonderful memories together that reflect Priscilla’s sense of awe, resilience, and sincerity.
​
(Continuity/Smooth Transition) Thank you Wheelie for your kind words. I miss you so much! The qualities that Wheelie described — a sense of awe, resilience, and sincerity— result from belonging to a global organization that has molded me into the person I am today. On November 7th, 2015, I was baptized as a Jehovah’s Witness. From that moment on, I promised to myself and to God to devote the rest of my life to him and to follow the principles revealed in the Bible. The Bible acts like a mirror, reflecting my flaws and limitations; therefore, I read the Bible to conduct a self-examination and meditate on how to improve as a person. Additionally, the Bible trains my conscience to serve like a compass that guides me in making the smallest to the most critical decisions. Recognizing myself as a Jehovah’s Witness gives me an identity and a worldwide family that truly cares and loves each other. A few months ago, my grandmother passed away. It was the end of the semester and finals were right around the corner; I could not find the strength within to stay strong until the end. To my surprise, that very day when the family received the news of grandmother’s death, friends came to drop off flowers and sympathy cards. I was in total shock. To belong in an organization where people show each other self-sacrificing love makes it one of a kind. The funeral sermon focused on God’s promise of the resurrection, and the biblical account of Lazarus’ death touched my heart. When Jesus received news that his friend, Lazarus, died, the Bible says that he cried! I thought to myself, “If Jesus, the son of God, wept when Lazarus died, then God also feels my anguish for my grandmother. Therefore, not only does God have the power to bring her back to life but also the desire.” On another note, one of my life goals includes going to the School of Kingdom Evangelizers. The purpose of this school consists of training Jehovah’s Witness with the will to serve in another country and talk to people about the Bible. Another goal is to go to the World Headquarters of Jehovah’s Witnesses in Warwick, New York and apply my knowledge of chemistry to help maintain the water supply. I set these goals based on watching and listening to the wonderful experiences of others who have participated in similar activities. To conclude, my favorite biblical passage, Proverbs 27:17, reads, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens his friend.” This leads to my goal for ENG 2105. I hope to learn, not only from Dr. Gill, but also from my fellow peers how to become an excellent rhetor. Derek Bok expresses the reason for my class goal in his analysis, Protecting Freedom of Expression at Harvard, “[We] should seek to educate and persuade… recognizing that only persuasion is likely to produce a lasting, beneficial effect” (3). Yes, I shall strive to sharpen my skills of persuasion by applying the principles presented in this course.