Editing Log

Class mantra: The best writing is rewriting.

The ENG 2105 journey encourages rhetors to learn from their mistakes. One way of doing this is by keeping an editing log. This log is physical evidence of each rhetor's growth and development as individuals equipped with the tools to voice their opinion.

Priscilla Laguna

ENG 2105

Dr. Gill

Editing Log

13 September 2021

“The Best Writing is Re-Writing”

LPRJ LBH pg. 72

Principle: cs: A comma splice is when two main clauses are put together by simply putting a comma.

Error: My topic sentence was comprised of two main clauses joined together by a comma.

Original: An effective paragraph can be compared to a gem, which exhibits its full glory when all of its facets have been polished.

Revision: An effective paragraph can be compared to a gem exhibiting its full glory when all of its facets have been polished.

2. Principle: ref: Reference unclear. The pronoun should have a clear antecedent.

Error: My sentence did not make clear that the pronoun “this” was referring to the development of an effective paragraph.

Original: This is accomplished by providing clear and logical evidence such as statistics, anecdotes, and testimonials, which serve as beams of support.

Revision: This development is accomplished by providing clear and logical evidence such as statistics, anecdotes, and testimonials that support the main idea.

3. Principle: frag: Sentence fragment. A subordinate clause was punctuated as if it were a sentence on its own.

Error: I wrote a sentence with no subject. What are these “chain links” that are being described in the sentence? Either I join the subordinate clause with the sentence before it or add a subject.

Original: Chain links that interconnect by transitional phrases, parallel structure, and use of repetition.

Revision: The paragraph serves as a series of chain links that interconnect by transitional phrases, parallel structure, and use of repetition.

4. Principle: dev: The point being made should be developed more fully.

Error: My topic sentence starts off saying that there are three facets to an effective paragraph, but it does not list what they are. Additionally, it does not give credit as to where this information was taken from.

Original: An effective paragraph can be compared to a gem exhibiting its full glory when all of its facets have been polished.

Revision: In reference to page 72 of The Little Brown Handbook, an effective paragraph can be compared to a gem exhibiting its full glory when all its facets —unity, development, and coherence— have been polished.

5. Principle: dev: The point being made should be developed more fully.

Error: Much like in the topic sentence, the concluding sentence did not explicate what the three facets of an effective paragraph are.

Original: Putting these three facets of the effective paragraph into practice results in an invaluable gem.

Revision: Putting these three facets —unity, development, and coherence— of the effective paragraph into practice results in an invaluable gem.

Minh Lee

1. Principle: Wordy: Eliminate unnecessary words; strive for conciseness.

Error: The topic sentence sounded like a run-on with no place for pause. I can describe a student who is not majoring in English in a more concise way.

Original: Minh Lee’s letter serves as a caution to students who are majoring in a subject that does not specialize in the written English language and have a hard time believing that the pen is mightier than the sword when it comes to the top skills that employers have on their list.

Revision: Minh Lee’s letter serves as a caution to students who are non-English majors and have a hard time believing that the pen is mightier than the sword when it comes to the top skills that employers have on their list.

2. Principle: dev: The point being made should be developed more fully.

Error: After stating that Lee ended up taking a written communication course years after getting his engineering degree, I did not explain how this course has helped him in his career.

Original: In an effort to alleviate the aggravation, he takes a written communication course four hours a week.

Revision: In an effort to alleviate the aggravation, he takes a written communication course four hours a week. Although it may seem tedious, Lee views the course with a different mindset than when he was younger; it is a life-long investment.

Building Bridges

1. Principle: FS: Fused sentence. Two main clauses are joined without required punctuation.

Error: This sentence is a run-on sentence. By reading it aloud, there is no comma or other proper punctuation to give the reader a breath or brief pause. WC tutor, Jason, suggested I separate it into two sentences.

Original: Both require Mary to work on assignments with her peers, but Dr. Davidson’s strategy of groupwork is in creating a structured classroom setting by assigning each team member a specific role while Dr. Hawkes lets each team decide how they are going to organize themselves.

Revision: Both require Mary to work on assignments with her peers, but Dr. Davidson’s strategy of collaborative learning is in creating a structured classroom setting by assigning each team member a specific role. For Dr. Hawkes’ cooperative learning, each team decides how to organize themselves.

2. Principle: FS: Fused sentence. Two main clauses are joined without required punctuation.

Error: This is a run on sentence. Even though the subordinate conjunction “while” is used here to make a subordinate clause, WC tutor, Jason, suggested in making it into 2 separate sentences.

Original: Also, the students are given training beforehand on social skills such as active listening and giving and receiving constructive feedback while collaborative learning makes the assumption that the students already have them down to a T.

Revision: Additionally, students are given training beforehand on social skills such as active listening and giving and receiving constructive feedback. Conversely, collaborative learning assumes that the students have these skills down to a T.

3. Principle: 1st Element of Aristotelian Rhetoric: The introduction paragraph, comprised of a total of 3 sentences, includes a hook, a bridge, and a divided stasis/thesis sentence with the opponent’s claim and 3 supporting reasons for the rhetor’s claim.

Error: The hook was not properly formatted. It was missing a headliner that gives the context for the quote, and an appositive needed to be inserted explaining the professional relationship between the authors and the topic. Since a works cited page will be included in all formal writings, the title does not need to be included for citation.

Original: Two innovative pedagogies outlined by Matthews et al., experts in collaborative and cooperative learning, in the article, Building Bridges Between Cooperative and Collaborative Learning, argue, “for more interaction among scholars with different techniques, philosophies, and theoretical assumptions; […] and to sponsor conferences to bring together collaborative and cooperative-learning practitioners” (40).

Revision: As experts in pedagogy, Matthews et al., specialists in academic affairs, argue, “[In accordance with John Dewey, an educational reformer’s, belief], education should be viewed ‘as a social enterprise in which all individuals have an opportunity to contribute and to which all feel a responsibility” (37).

4. Principle: 1st Element of Aristotelian Rhetoric: The introduction paragraph, comprised of a total of 3 sentences, includes a hook, a bridge, and a divided stasis/thesis sentence with the opponent’s claim and 3 supporting reasons for the rhetor’s claim.

Error: I broke up the 3 supporting reasons into 3 separate sentences instead of putting them all together in the divided stasis/thesis sentence.

Original: One reason is that active learning has proven to be more fruitful than passive learning through lectures. Furthermore, students develop the application of social skills and team skills in everyday life and in the workplace. Lastly, provision of a support network from the professor and fellow students leads to greater success and retention of the course material.

Revision: Although some students oppose the transition to the novel techniques of collaborative and cooperative learning, progressive students are willing to take the vanguard in implementing these pedagogies because active learning has proven to be more fruitful than passive learning through lectures, students develop the application of social skills and team skills in everyday life and in the workplace, and provision of a support network from the professor and fellow students leads to greater success and retention of the course material.

Gun Violence Introduction

1. Principle: Wordy: Eliminate unnecessary words; strive for conciseness.

Error: The appositive in my hook can be shortened to give a more direct but, at the same time, detailed description of the relationship between the authors of the quote and the topic.

Original: Concerning gun violence, Wickizer and colleagues, academics on the topic of public health at Ohio State University, argue, “Our study reinforces what many in public health recognize: There is no single solution to the complex problems of firearm death and firearm suicide” (Wickizer et al.).

Revision: Regarding gun violence, Wickizer and colleagues, public health collegiates at Ohio State University, argue, “Our study reinforces what many in public health recognize: There is no single solution to the complex problems of firearm death and firearm suicide” (Wickizer et al.).

2. Principle: W: Word choice. The word chosen is either inappropriate for the context or not specific enough.

Error: The connotation of the word I chose (concerning) was misplaced in context for introducing the quote of the hook sentence.

Original: Concerning gun violence, …

Revision: Regarding gun violence, …

Error: Support #2 should focus on either social determinants or distrust in the police. Having both could disorganize the writing structure.

Original: Although the news media tends to correlate mental illness as the basis of gun violence in America, further evidence suggests that mental illness is not the sole cause of gun violence in the United States because violence portrayed in the entertainment media has normalized the use of guns, social determinants such as the rich-poor gap and distrust in the police has led to people taking justice into their own hands, and, now more than ever, people have the simplicity of purchasing a firearm.

Revision: Although the news media tends to correlate mental illness as the basis of gun violence in America, further evidence suggests that mental illness is not the sole cause of gun violence in the United States because violence portrayed in the entertainment media has normalized the use of guns, social determinants have led people to taking justice into their own hands, and, now more than ever, people have the simplicity of purchasing a firearm.

Error: The key quote that I choose for my hook was not taken from a scholarly article; therefore, I need to find another article and keq quote to replace it.

Revision: Regarding gun violence, Daniel Kim, a public health researcher, argues, “This study finds that the rich-poor gap, level of citizens' trust in institutions, economic opportunity, and public welfare spending are all related to firearm homicide rates in the US” (Kim 2).

Autoethnography

1. Principle: Coh.: Coherence. Addition of transition words to help the piece of writing flow smoothly from one idea to the next.

Error: There was no clear signal word(s) to indicate that my palm tree metaphor was referring to my quality of resilience.

Original: She often reminds me of the abundant palm trees that we have in Southern California.

Revision: Her resilience often reminds me of the abundant palm trees that we have in Southern California.

2. Principle: W: Word choice.

Error: The words I choice made the sentence sound like I had created the organization rather than saying I joined the organization. In other words, I am a member not a founder of the organization.

Original: The qualities that Wheelie described — a sense of awe, resilience, and sincerity— are attributes that result from forming part of a global organization that has molded me into the person I am today.

Revision: The qualities that Wheelie described — a sense of awe, resilience, and sincerity— result from belonging to a global organization that has molded me into the person I am today.

3. Principle: Citation: Proper in-text citation after a quote or paraphrase in MLA format with name of author(s) and page number.

Error: For my quote taken from Derek Bok’s essay, I did not mention the title or the page number from which it was taken from.

Original: I hope to learn, not only from Dr. Gill, but also from my fellow peers on how to become an excellent rhetor, because, in the words of Derek Bok’s analysis on freedom of expression, “[We] should seek to educate and persuade… recognizing that only persuasion is likely to produce a lasting, beneficial effect.”

Revision: The reason is expressed by Derek Bok’s analysis, Protecting Freedom of Expression at Harvard, “[We] should seek to educate and persuade… recognizing that only persuasion is likely to produce a lasting, beneficial effect” (3).

4. Principle: P: Punctuation error. The use of a comma between a main clause and a subordinate clause.

Error: My sentence was a run-on with no commas for pause. My WC tutor suggested that I add a comma, but I decided to separate the sentence into 2 sentences.

Original: My life goals include going to the School of Kingdom Evangelizers and gain training to serve in another country talking to people about the Bible and going to the World Headquarters of Jehovah’s Witnesses in Warwick, New York to help maintain the water supply.

Revision: My life goals include going to the School of Kingdom Evangelizers and gain training to serve in another country, talking to people about the Bible. Another goal is to go to the World Headquarters of Jehovah’s Witnesses in Warwick, New York and apply my knowledge of chemistry to help maintain the water supply.

5. Principle: Efface “I”: Avoid the use of personal pronouns.

Error: Although I did not use the word I in my paper, I did use a variety of other personal pronouns such as “her, his, and she”. I did not have a full understanding of what it means to efface “I”.

Original: As she speaks, her face illuminates with genuine pride and joy in what she believes in as a sincere expression from her heart.

Revision: The words that Priscilla utters reflect sincerity from the heart and illuminate Priscilla’s face with genuine pride and joy.

6. Principle: //: Faulty parallel structure. Give a list of elements by using the same grammatical structure.

Error: The tutor suggested that since I began each item in the list with “the…”, the last item in the list should follow suit instead of “to the park”.

Original: From the doughnut shop around the corner, the laundromat across the street, and to the park, you can see Priscilla and yours truly ready to greet and converse with anyone interested in learning about the Bible.

Revision: From the doughnut shop around the corner, the laundromat across the street, and the park, everyone can see Priscilla and Wheelie eager to greet and converse with anyone interested in learning about the Bible.

7. Principle: awk: Awkward sentence structure that makes the idea unclear or very choppy to read.

Error: The tutor pointed out that, instead of talking about Priscilla’s sincerity, the way I had worded the sentence made it sound like the words themselves, as a way of personifying, were sincere. The sentence was not smooth.

Original: The words that Priscilla utters reflect sincerity from the heart and illuminate Priscilla’s face with genuine pride and joy.

Revision: People who stop to listen can detect Priscilla’s sincerity and joy in sharing the Bible’s message.

8. Principle: W: Word choice. The words are not used correctly in context and distort the writer’s message.

Error: I used the verb “gush” to describe the wind, but my tutor pointed out that this word is usually used to describe the flow of water not air.

Original: There are times when the Santa Ana winds come gushing full throttle while the palm trees bend down almost to the ground.

Revision: Every so often, the Santa Ana winds blow gusts of air at full throttle while the palm trees bend down almost to the ground.

9. Principle: ref: Reference unclear. This pronoun should have a clear antecedent.

Error: I used the word “this”, but it was unclear that I was referring to the Bible. The tutor suggested that I write it out clearly so that there is no confusion.

Original: By this basis, I make a self-examination and meditate on how to improve as a person.

Revision: The Bible acts like a mirror, reflecting my flaws and limitations; therefore, I read the Bible to conduct a self-examination and meditate on how to improve as a person.